There comes a point in ones journey where an unfortunate clash in multiple chapter openings causes the lowering of ones self efficacy. It's an awful, demanding and trying experience to go through - to counter the gargantuan waves of adaptation simultaneously.
It strips off most of the joys of branching out to a new path. And though you know in the big picture there's only growth to be reaped, at this point in time when everything is new and ambiguous, you can't help but question your ability - talents that many before have affirmed you of - and re-think the concept of self.
I think of the numerous labels that I'm currently holding - a linguist, a freshman university undergraduate, a scholar, a teacher-in-the-making, a dancer, a boyfriend, a son, a friend, a brother, a member of a hall community, a freelance photographer, freelance cinematographer, freelance film editor and the owner of a new company - and I start to question if I bring justice to these labels, especially the new ones.
Am I smart and capable enough in this competitive field of academia to graduate with first class honours? Has the standard and quality of my freelance work reached a level high enough for me to be proud of? Why is it that I suddenly find dancing so difficult? Am I a turnoff as a boyfriend? Do I have what it takes to be a respectable teacher? Have I in any way been a disappointment to my friends and family?
It's easy for others to resort to patronising in their response and simply say "don't worry so much... everything will be fine... you can do it". Here's a situation that testifies to the cliche, "actions speak louder than words".
I observe my course mates and their level of intelligence; I reflect on how well I'm able to catch up in my dance CCA classes; I consider the dynamics of my relationships; I study the kind of work I produce for my clients; I look into the eyes of my neglected friends and family outside university - they all tell me otherwise, that there is a need to worry, that everything won't be fine and no, I can't do it all.
Affirmation needs to come with some sort of physical and evidential assurance.
1 comments:
As I'm sure you know.. the concept of self is reflective of and off the people whom we socialize with. This is both a boon and a bane.. for what you feel as right may not seem to be right, in accordance to their response.
Thus, my advice to you is this, since you are aware that we react according to how others react to our reactions, worry not and scrutinize less on their responses to your actions..
for, it is your actions that cause their reactions in the first place. thus, the only motivating factor that would keep this cycle going is for you, to keep acting.. and meaningful acting would only keep you going, thus instead of reflecting, keep reflexing.
do what inspires you. do what motivates you. do what you think is best. for no one else can say otherwise apart from you. sure there may be concerns.. but if you give them confidence in your actions, they will reflect confidence to you too.
and wrt hall.. its like that. socializing will almost certainly be only with people from hall or sch most of the time. not many people understand.. and even fewer accept it. i've had misunderstandings from many friends, i've (may have) lost afew from this.. but, its part and parcel of life I guess. We can only be honest with them, if they choose not to accept it then there's nothing we can do.
I also don't know why i'm telling you this, I guess I just want you to know that you're not alone. Everyone faces this problem.. so don't give up! :)
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